List of chicks / dudes who have tried to pick me up since I got married

  1. My ex gf from before I got engaged.
  2. That girl in Edinburgh who invited me back into her room to smoke hash and told me about her boyfriend’s impotence problems and then when she worked out I was only interested in the hash she accused me of stealing her drugs and got me thrown out of the share house.
  3. Same trip: the male bagpipe player in Edinburgh who cooked me jugged kippers and then tried to feel me up in my sleep.
  4. The silly girl in Ireland who came to my room in the middle of the night asking me if I could teach her how to ‘play the guitar’.
  5. The girl in the bar in London who told me that her husband was basically a sucker and  would let her cheat on him, and then, told me it would be OK to cheat on my wife just so long as I never told her. I can still recall her shocked look at my third, obviously genuine rejection. How could I possibly turn her down when she was so wonderful?
  6. The Irish Catholic girl who told me she was a virgin and then asked me to come and ‘do her hair.’
  7. The American lady in Cambridge who genuinely did ask me to come up and see her etchings and when I said no, she blatantly pretended to cry to make me feel bad.
  8. The bored girl in London in the see-through mesh top. I told her that in the end family is more important than friends and she still asked me home. Jeez get the hint, lady. She  didn’t seem to give a crap when I said no, so I guess that is at least some kudos for her.
  9. The woman at work who kept obviously shit-testing me until I told her that women who shit-test married men are idiots.
  10. The other woman in my old scene who told me she was very attracted to me and then bitched about her current boyfriend, who is a decent guy, being boring.
  11. The girl at the bar near where I live who asked me to buy her a drink and leaned all over me and when I told her I was only there to watch football because I do not have cable, she told me to go fuck myself and said “tell your wife I feel sorry for her.” Bitch.
  12. The other girl in London who was in her mid twenties, and still had to get her friend to come up and ask me if I was interested. Yeah, is your friend going to be there in the bed as well? Her friend was awful anyway.
  13. The lady who really did ask: what is a nice guy like you doing in a place like this, and followed up with, do you want to come home with me, and was then offended when I politely said no thank you, I am married.
  14. The awful drunk girl in the bar in Parramatta who asked me if she could be my chickadee. Later I overheard her talking to some other guys about how she was interested in trying BDSM because she had been spanked a lot by her Dad as a girl. I think her name was Fakey McCliche or something.
  15. The only recent one – a vapid woman on a plane who kept asking questions straight out of  ‘how to shit test guys 101’ even despite the fact that I was obviously failing all the tests and she was clearly offending and annoying me. You could see her thinking: ‘dude that is not what you are supposed to say! You are all supposed to be all funny and cocky!  Don’t you want to get laid?’


  • Is this a large number? Or do hottt married men get hit on like once a week?  Because my rate is about once a year and about half of them were only half-heated anyway. The gay guy was the only one who even cooked me a meal.
  • Do I look like a cheater?
  • Why are there so many morally repulsive people out there, and, why do only such stupid / boring / immoral women hit on me since I got married? Or is that just self-evident?
  • Why do some women think that telling you about their current boyfriends’ inadequacies will get you interested? It is like: “Hi, I make bad choices! And I choose you!”
  • Why do these women think that their own preparedness to cheat automatically means everyone else will? And why the fuck do they get offended when you say no?
  • Where can I meet some more decent people?
  • Why am I apparently so much hotter in the UK?
  • How come only one of these  attempts is at all recent? Is it because of my beer gut? Because honestly, nothing else has changed, I’m just me with more fat in my abdomen and I don’t see why that is a big deal.
  • Why do single women who hit on guys get so offended when you say no? Like, fair enough to ask but don’t take that risk if you are going to get all upset.
  • And, why don’t they look at the damn ring? It’s pretty much what it’s for.
  • Would I get laid more if I was single and is there any possibility it would be any good?

Actually, I pretty much know the answer to that last one.

About sjmckenzie

Writer. Celticist. Banjo picker. Family Man.
This entry was posted in E-Love, Love, Mental Illness, Peppers, Pizza!, The Law, Womenz. Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to List of chicks / dudes who have tried to pick me up since I got married

  1. janet5 says:

    • No. Wait, are you asking whether you should be getting hit on more, if you are truly hot? But no, I don’t think that’s a lot, if you are hot or hot-ish.
    • Um. Dunno. I have seen one photo of you. But to some women, every man is basically a cheater. I guess it all depends what someone’s reference point is. I’m the other way. I can’t IMAGINE that anyone would ever cheat (and then I get a rude awakening when someone does). So you don’t look like a cheater to me, because no one looks like a cheater to me.
    • Um. Dunno. Although I have a theory about your second question (see below, near the end of this reply).
    • Oh wait, I know this one! They aren’t thinking about what they sound like. They are thinking: “If I tell him what a loser my boyfriend is, he will see the opportunity to tell me that he’s so much better than that/can show me a better time/etc. because he knows that he’ll get to fuck me if he does.” You are supposed to be the savior, here. When you don’t buy into the scenario, they get confused, and probably pissed off. I personally don’t know why ANYONE would mention how lame her boyfriend is when she is hitting on you – but they probably think this somehow makes them desirable (and and easy target for you, the He-man who is obviously looking for an easy target).
    • See above. Some people think everyone is a cheater. Your saying ‘no’ offends them because they want you to be as immoral as they are – if you aren’t, then they are pretty much showing themselves to be immoral, right? And people might take this to mean you *think* you are morally superior, which may be even more insulting to them (or may force them to confront that what they are doing is wrong, which they may not want to think about it).
    • Here, of course. Oh, you mean in the real world?
    • Um. Dunno. But I am apparently way hotter in the UK, too. And among Irish guys and French guys. Clearly, I ought to move.
    • Probably because you spend less time by yourself in bars (or anywhere else outside home) since you’ve gotten married? Or because some women actually get a clue and don’t try? Then again. . . some women are more likely to hit on married guys, because they like the challenge. Indeterminate answer, here.
    • Some women assume that since they have vaginas, and men (usually) like vaginas, they cannot understand why anyone would ever, ever say no. Free pussy! How can you say no? Again, they are assuming your response means there is something wrong with them. I mean, there may be, but they are taking it personally.
    • See above about married guys being a challenge.
    • I’m single. I never get laid. And the last time was pretty awful. Maybe I should go to bars and hit on guys with wedding rings?

    The theory: I think the reason you get this kind of trouble is that you are probably too nice. Or at least, you are probably initially very polite, which some women might take to mean that you are playing hard to get, OR that you are worth pursuing because, hey, you aren’t a jerk. Do you remember something Daisy wrote on Punk Planet, about how some guy basically followed her home from a pub and kept trying to get her into bed, because she kept saying “No, thank you,” and “sorry, no” (instead of FUCK OFF, which is often the only answer people will understand)? Her point was that she was raised to be polite, so it was hard to be rude when she actually needed to be. I have the same issue. I have gotten into dangerous situations because I wasn’t able to rude, or even firm, in telling someone to piss off. So guys assume that I really mean yes, if they just keep asking. Then they get angry.

    The problem with all this theorizing is that I have never actually hit on anyone. I’ve never even been that girl who asked her friend to hit on you for her (ok, I did that once when I was nineteen. But I’m shy, so that doesn’t count). I have no dating mojo. I can sort of flirt when necessary, but that’s a fairly passive strategy. So don’t listen to me.

    Aside from being sexual catnip, how are you doing? Why did I think you were going back to PNG? Or did you?

    By the way: “teach me how to play the guitar” and “do my hair” are new ones on me. But I guess anything works with some people.

  2. http:// says:

    “The theory: I think the reason you get this kind of trouble is that you are probably too nice.”

    Several responses.
    First: Ouch.
    Second: can I be so nice if it only happens once a year?
    Third: In some of the above encounters I thought the girl was actually worth talking to, irrespective of pussy, and naively thought she might think the same of herself. In a few more they were testing me rather than directly asking me and I responded in traditional fashion, by being really boring. Others it has ended fairly quickly withe me saying I Am Married and sticking the ring under their nose like a fricken force field generator. Only a few, like the gross girl with the sucker husband, or the fat girl who leaned on me, were drawn out encounters in which I was asked three or four times, and then she ended up feeling shitty because I hadn’t been firm enough initially. In these situations I agree I was too nice.

    But seriously, listen to this dialogue: “Do you want to buy me a drink?” “No.” “Can I talk to you?” “Not really.” “Why are you here?” “Just to watch football, not to talk to anyone.”

    This is what I said to the girl. Would you keep going at that point? Seriously you would have to be fucking retarded to think you had any chance after an initial reception like that. These girls come on the way they do so that when they get rejected they can act like they weren’t really putting themselves out there, they were just paying you out and trying to get a free drink.

    Fourth: aren’t girls supposed to like alpha bad boys anyway? I kept figuring if I failed all the tests I would get left alone. I can’t see why, if you wanted a casual root, you would go for someone who has so little overt game.

    BTW good work avoiding the beer gut question. You couldn’t have won with that.

    I also figured once a year was probably not very much. Good to have that confirmed. Although, it would certainly be a problem if I suddenly become single. I have no pick up skills at all. My old tactic before I got married was to hang around girls and then pick which offer to take. I used to get LOTS, I actually was sexual catnip back then. Now it would be a different scene. I might have to go out and actually try. Jeez that would suck.

    While I am asking questions: which would you go for?

    Me at 24 – neurotic mouthy idiot with no upper body development, burgeoning alcoholic, chain smoker, bludger, unemployed, terrible hair, no real self-confidence, just false bravado. In a band.

    Me at 42 – fit, smiling, much more confident, good education and employment situation, non smoker, moderate drinker, well traveled, etc. Only slightly greying at sides. Not in a band.

    Because I used to get laid like a floor tile when I was 24. Why do women go for that shit? Is it the band? Because seriously, any idiot can be in a band.

    Sorry to hear that you do not get laid. You have me at an advantage because I have not seen what you look like, I only know that you look somewhat like Daisy so in that regard I know you must be quite hot. (This is NOT me saying post pics!). But anyway, I’m assuming that you get some offers which you wisely decline. Maybe you should go to Ireland and try it on. American boys are so coarse.

    PS I am in PNG. I hate it. I want to go home.

  3. janet5 says:

    Well, it was not supposed to elicit an ‘ouch’ – it was intended as a compliment. I think the underlying question you are asking is whether you attract more than the average ratio of losers to non-losers. And of course, the truth is that there are FAR more losers in the world than most of us can possibly imagine. I don’t think your ratio is higher than average. Again, I think you probably create fewer opportunities to get hit on now than you did before (which may skew the averages with, like, outliers. I am trying to think statistically, here).

    No. I suspect that if someone TOLD me he did not even want to talk, I’d get it. But some of these girls had actually been drinking, right? I’ve never been clear on how persistent someone is supposed to be, though. I generally assume someone will say no before I even ask, which conveniently shortens the whole process and spares everyone any embarrassing actual communication.

    No, I don’t like alpha males, and I didn’t like alpha boys when I was in my twenties. I’m probably atypical. When I was a grad student, I used to get hit on in the library, which was my favorite place to be. It was kind of nice, actually: lots of flirtatious glances, often over a long period of time, pretending to read Pravda or the Journal of Epistemological Studies or something, and then. . . oh well. I was so shy, I always said no. But it was nice, anyway. I never hung out in bars because I can’t really drink and I don’t get it and it was always just. . . people hitting on each other.

    Well, duh. The 42 year-old you sounds pretty damn appealing to 44 year-old me. But the 24 year-old you would have been appealing to 26 year-old me. Especially if you spent a lot of time in the library. Being in a band would have been a definite plus.

    Do I get hit on a lot? I don’t really count guys yelling things out their car windows, or the weird hissing sounds that people make to me when I walk down the street (I totally don’t get that). I suspect that if I were sitting by myself in a bar, it wouldn’t take too long. But (a) I don’t really go out, except occasionally to something like a movie, by myself. (b) I don’t really go to bars unless it’s with work colleagues, because I actually don’t feel safe by myself. (c) I’m a bit unconventional-looking for the area I live in, so I attract some negative attention anyway, which makes me less likely to want to engage with strangers who try to talk to me. (d) I’m a little shy, so unless someone actually does approach me, nothing ever happens. And see (a), (b) and (c).

    But I think some of the above also explain why I am way hotter in the UK/Ireland. I’m less unconventional-looking there (or at least, there are more expansive understandings of female attractiveness, so I fit in somehow). And there are more opportunities to be out in public spaces, even for a shy person (pubs are social in a way that American bars often are not, for example). I do get negative attention in the UK, too, but somehow I feel a bit less unsafe going out alone (partly because of the whole THEY DO NOT USUALLY HAVE GUNS thingy).

    Yeah. So.

    You are in PNG, and I am sorry that it sucks. Getting back to a very old subject, I want to send you a Gaelic CD by one of my favorite singers. Can I send you something?

  4. http:// says:

    I’m gonnae e-mail ye the now.

  5. http:// says:

    I have never successfully been hit on by a stranger. I always knew the person and was aware of an attraction.

    Funnily enough I used to fantasize about library book shelf stack romance, furtive glances, long dresses, glasses, hair in buns, etc. Didn’t get quite as specific as Pravda or JES though. Are those journals really hot?

    Basically I just wanted to be like the guy in time travelers wife. Except without the time travel. So really just me as a male library hottie.

    Or maybe I could have met someone, like the generic library hottie that Troy and Abed compete for in that episode of Community.

    Library hotties, mmm hmmmm.

    PS email sent at hotmail.

  6. janet5 says:

    About fifteen years ago, some students who thought of themselves as terribly “transgressive” at my old uni decided to shoot a porn film in the upper stacks of the library, to be called, “The StaXXX.” Clever, no?

    Pretending to read Pravda (in Russian) would be one of the most pretentious things I can imagine someone doing to try to attract nerdly hotness in, um, her direction. That was a long time ago, of course. I made up the JES, but it sounds appropriately lame.

  7. k- says:

    I can’t remember the last time anyone hit on me. Seriously. It either never happens or I am the thickest plank in the shed.

  8. sjmckenzie says:

    are you hot? i can’t see for the beer / coffee in the way.

  9. k- says:

    Obviously not.

  10. Alex says:

    “So you don’t look like a cheater to me, because no one looks like a cheater to me.”
    I agree with this statement but also I think almost everyone is a very nice person in general and then they go and expose their penis on their subway or something.

    As for all your questions Steve, I don’t really have answers to many. Except for maybe the “OMG my boyfriend is so shitty will you please sleep with me?!” thing may come from a lifetime of too many Lifetime movies or soap operas or Walt Disney just shitty TV in general where the poor, innocent girl is rescued from a terrible situation from Prince Charming.

    I dunno.

    All I know is people suck, for the most part. And I’m no exception.

    Also Janet I hope you can get around to replying to my email soon…

  11. Mack says:

    I guess I got hit on a bit… At bars and stuff. Haven’t spent much time in bars in the past five years or so… But it never bothered me. I didn’t find people who wanted to fuck me “morally repulsive.” I just thought they had exceptional taste! Very rarely did somebody seem like they wanted to fuck me and went about expressing it in a way that was more annoying than flattering. But even then, so what. It’s not all that hard to tell somebody “no thank you” or “fuck off.” I’d much rather have an obnoxious drunk aggressively hitting on me than, say, have an obnoxious drunk aggressively trying to make me do karaoke or talk about sports.

  12. sjmckenzie says:

    I’d totally rather have the boring sports drunk. All they want is a bit of harmless company. They get it when you say no. They haven’t put so much out there.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Sheesh. Get a load of Mr. Fancy Fellow Who Gets Hit on a Lot.

    Well, it is not punk to be attractive to your fellow human beings.

    So take that.

  14. sjmckenzie says:

    I used to hit on you all the time, Todd. You just never noticed.

  15. jollyseitan says:

    Kevin, that was mean. 😦

    But SO PUNK! 😀

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