on being 40

From the age of 25 until recently, I used to feel a lot of angst around my birthday, and for the first time, i can honestly say, I don’t feel any of that. I used to feel like I was in competition with societies’ dictum’s of where i was “supposed to be”, what I “needed to attain- materially, professionally, spiritually, etc”.

You know what, I may not like myself every day, and there are times I may not conduct myself in the best of manners. but god dammit, today, I like me, and I like all of you. for if I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t share my innermost thoughts with you- be theY ugly, happy, sad, painful, and all manner in between.

A lot of my life was rocky sailing, but I’m forty now, and all those lessons I’ve learned, made me “me” and i say bring it on. it’s only going to get better from here on out.

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About Steevo

40 male takoma park, md https://twitter.com/exsk8pnk
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2 Responses to on being 40

  1. janet5 says:

    Happy Birthday, Steevo! (belatedly). You are in better shape than I was when I turned forty, although I think I’m getting better. I never hit (and probably never will hit) all those “developmental markers of adulthood.” Remember those? Me, neither.

    “A lot of my life was rocky sailing, but I’m forty now, and all those lessons I’ve learned, made me “me” and i say bring it on. it’s only going to get better from here on out.”
    Yes, this – exactly. I used to torture myself wondering “what I’d be like” if I had made different decisions along the line (mostly like: what if I had been very, very brave about things? I was brave in some ways, but probably not others. What if I had fought back against depression twenty years earlier? What if I had taken more risks?). But. . . doing what I did turned me into me. It took me a while, but I figured out a lot of stuff on my own. And I wouldn’t have met the people I’m friends with now if I had followed a different path.

    And I still worry about things, but different things. And, for maybe the first time since I was a teenager, I keep finding new things that I’d like to try and things that I’d like to work at and get good at. That makes me feel optimistic.

    Take care. I hope you’ll keep writing poetry and being creative. I’m in a very slow, long trough regarding anything creative, myself, but I can feel it starting to come back.

  2. Steevo says:

    Thanks Janet…i wouldn’t trade my life for any other, but i’ve seen and done a few things that i’d sometimes rather not repeat.

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