Actually, the headline is almost as good as the story.
A legless Lithuanian who “assaulted a female police officer with his penis” has been fined £600 for his trouble, the BBC reports.
Marium Varinauskas, 28, got so rat-arsed that his girlfriend called cops to their Aberdeen flat. They arrived at 1am on 15 November “to find the self-employed engineer sitting on the sofa wearing a pair of underpants”.
Officers apparently sat down on a neighbouring couch, at which point Varinauskas decided to whip out his lethal weapon.